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but i can feel forever surrounding us

Dear Love of my Life,

Hello, you are asleep right now but I want you to know you are beautiful and intelligent and kind and I miss you very much all the time. I want you to know my heart is all yours forever, even though at times I feel like I’m not good at showing it to you. Please just love me forever though and I promise to always be as good as you deserve.

Love,
Big Bitty <3

(he calls me Little Bitty…so yeah) also, asdflojsadflkjf I love this man so freaking much.

It took me a long long time to let myself feel anything for anyone before that moment. He had already been saying ‘I love you’ months before I was ready for it. It was kind of awkward really, I didn’t know what to say to it other than ‘I know you do’ or ‘Thanks’. It kind of made me feel like a dick, but I was really guarded. I didn’t want to let myself trust another person just to be let down again. But he wore me down and my walls lowered very slowly until I started to realize that I really didn’t want him to ever be out of my life.

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My grandmother sent me a card with $10 and a newspaper cut out of a family picture that I was supposed to be in but they never invited me nor did they mention me at all in the article. My step dad, the most horrid person and least related to this family was mentioned, but not me. Thanks lol. Was the $10 supposed to help? Because fuck you.

talking to my step brother is so exhausting. he’s so dramatic.

I was cleaning my room and I don’t really know why, but I started humming You Are My Sunshine over and over. All of the sudden I burst into tears. Corey asked me what was wrong and I just said “My mom used to sing me that song” and started crying harder.

Man I miss her sometimes and I know she loves me, but I miss the mother I had when I was little, I miss how things used to be when they weren’t so complicated. I wish I could just get the good stuff and leave out all the bad, but I know I can’t have one without the other with her and that kills me. I wish I could talk to her, but I know things are too different now. I’ll never have my sweet mother back. I just don’t know what to do. 

Maybe I’ll write her another letter.

I send an email to my future self every year so that it arrives a year later using this website. I just got one today and here the two latest ones (I can’t find the first one):

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I was talking to my boyfriend about a lot of random things, and body image came up. He said girls only try to look good for other girls. He said that every guy he’s ever met doesn’t care that much about what a girl looks like because if he’s into her then it doesn’t really matter much. I agree, honestly.

I remembered that when I was in high school I automatically compared myself to every single girl I passed in the hallway. Every detail, too. And only in the few seconds we passed each other. Breast size/shape, stomach size/shape, how her shirt hangs off of her, how she did her hair, her makeup, how clear her skin was, how white her teeth were, etc. I took every little detail into account and compared every part of myself to her. For a while I thought I was the only one, I would think “why the hell am I looking at another girls body? I’m not attracted to women blah blah.” I really honestly feel like countless girls do this subconsciously just like I did. As I was talking to my boyfriend about it I got really really sad and emotional about it.

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i used to tell myself that it was okay to be sad all the time because without sadness in the world there wouldn’t be happiness in the world.

WHY HAVE I BEEN SO EMO MY WHOLE LIFE

I’ve lived in Texas since last November to the dismay of my family. According to my grandmother I’m living in sin, I should be at home in Pennsylvania with my “family”, they’re hurt by my choice, etc etc etc. Plus my sister misses me, my best friend misses me, and everyone wants me back for their own damn reasons. I miss them too. I really do. And I wish there was an easier way, but there’s not.

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My family took a family photo today without telling me. I guess I’m officially out of the family. I can’t stop crying. Today sucks.

Plus my mom stole money out of one of my Christmas presents. She’s trying to give it back or something. Just fucking keep it. I don’t want shit from you people.

So my sister brought over some gifts that I was supposed to get for Christmas, but since I didn’t spend Christmas with my family I didn’t get them. I got the usual $25 check from my great grandmother, I got a tshirt that you color your own design on from my mother, and I got an empty box from my grandparents. It kind of looks like someone opened it and took what was inside…

Thanks? But I didn’t want these gifts, apparently my mom insisted on giving them to me.